There’s no need to panic with our handy guide.
With the zombie apocalypse not too far on the horizon, you may be wondering what you can do to prepare. Well good news! We spoke with survival expert Willie “Wild Man” Froggatt who has given us a handy guide to preparing for the coming undead invasion. Just follow his easy steps to prepare your vehicle ready for the zombie plague.
If THEY are coming, you better be ready.
“I know what you’re thinking. You have a nice little dream about building yourself some fancy compound with your friends and family, safely keeping out all the undead whilst living a bliss free life together in some sort of post apocalypse utopia. WRONG. You must only think about protecting yourself (and your family, if you are sentimental and choose to save the weak who cannot look after themselves). The undead don’t care about no friendship or togetherness. Survival of the fittest. You have to be faster, smarter and crueller than the undead. Luckily I’m here to school you on how to survive.
Survival expert Willie “Wild Man” Froggatt
Look, we all know that the best vehicle for the apocalypse would be some sort of tank. Covered in weaponry, inches thick armour plating, there’s no safer place to be when the dead rise from their graves to feast on the living.
But think about it. Do you even know how to drive a tank? And where are you going to find the fuel to refill something so big? And where will you even find a tank? If you’re gonna survive, you need to think these things through. Seriously.
When choosing a car, there are three key things to consider:
1. Miles per gallon
You want to make the most out of the fuel you find out in the apocalyptic landscape. Zombies are one thing, other survivors turned feral desperate to save themselves will fight to the death for a few extra gallons of unleaded. So when you do find that fuel supply, you want to make the most of it. High MPG is a good place to start.
2. Storage space
Supplies will be in short…they will be rare. So you’ll want to hoard more than a magpie at a cutlery fair. You will need as much storage space as possible to fit everything inside. Chuck out the seats, chuck out the dead weight (read: the weak and feeble) and make space for those extra tins of baked beans (choose the ones with the little sausages for extra protein).
3. Pedestrian protection
“Wait what?” I hear you ask. For Chrissakes hear me out! The European NCAP test all cars for adult, child and pedestrian protection. But in this case, you want a car that will do some real damage when you run down those undead monsters blocking your path. They need to go down and stay down, so search for cars with a low pedestrian protection rating on the NCAP website. The more dangerous the car, the less zombies chasing you for a taste of your sweet, sweet flesh.
Found a car that satisfies points 1 to 3? I highly recommend getting your hand on this bad boy.
Good MPG – CHECK
Low pedestrian protection rating – CHECK
Plenty of storage space – CHECK (The Aygo comes with foldable seats to create some handy extra room inside).
Wait, wait, wait. I can hear you asking me. “A Toyota Aygo? Really? What about a Land Rover or a Hummer?” No idiot! This is about survival, not some game you play with your friends. Have you even been listening?
Now you have your fuel efficient, spacious, pedestrian killing machine, you need to start equipping it for battle – the battle to survive.
First, you need to sort out the interior. This will likely be your living room, kitchen, bathroom and bedroom for the foreseeable future so you’ll want to make it as comfortable as possible. Maybe scavenge a few throw cushions to give a bit of colour. You will also want to get hold of as many car air fresheners as you can. Being stuck in a small confined space for such a long amount of time leads to some bad smells, believe me.
A few throw cushions add a splash of welcome colour.
Here are the other essentials you need:
Living room: Get yourself some books, pen and paper, a pack of playing cards. Any form of entertainment that doesn’t require electricity. You won’t be listening to the radio for anything more than updates from the military – there won’t be no drivetime show on the air. And if you are wasting your car battery on a built in CD player, then you deserve what’s coming. But hey, at least you can sing along to your favourite Katy Perry songs when the zombies start eating you.
Of course this changes if you can find some batteries and an old school CD walkman or radio. Foolishly, modern technology is leaving the battery behind. I always said relying on mains power would be our downfall and history will prove me right.
Kitchen: Look, I’m not gonna sugar coat this. You will be eating a lot of cold food. Sorry, that’s just the way it is. This is why you need yourself a penknife or, even better, a Swiss army knife. It has everything. Corkscrew, meat hook, toothpick, nail clipper, small knife. And it also has a tin opener. Most of your food will be tinned. Forget about getting any fresh eats. Bakers ain’t gonna bake no bread when their dead uncle’s knocking on the door.
An excellent source of nutrition.
Bedroom: Pillow. Sleeping bag. Simple.
Bathroom: The awkward part. There’ll be times when you need to go, but can’t go because of the ravenous horde outside your car. You’re gonna need some sort of…vessel to transport your bodily fluids cleanly outside. Use your imagination. For showers and stuff, wet wipes.
Your car is your castle. As lord of your domain, you need to build the walls and defences to keep out the peasant scum clawing at your flesh for food.
So how can you make your car more robust for the zombie apocalypse? The first thing you need is to put an extra layer of defence over your windows. Unfortunately modern safety techniques mean that most windows are built with safety glass, designed to shatter if impacted. No good when you have a mob of unruly undead slamming on your window. Find some iron grilles and fix them over your windows. Enough to add strength, but not so you can’t see the road.
You may be tempted to try and add some armour plating to the car. If you do, you want to make sure that the car doesn’t become too heavy. The best thing about having a car is the mobility. Slowing it down makes you more vulnerable. An easier target.
You may also think about adding some cool Mad Max style spikes or blades to impale your enemies. No. No! NO! A skewered zombie is still alive. Unless these spikes are at head height and guaranteed to sever the brain stem, then leave them off. The low pedestrian protection score of the car should cause enough head trauma to bump off the zombie.
Don’t be afraid to look to the Medieval ages for inspiration
Of course, you’ll want a selection of hand to hand weapons. May I suggest some sort of bludgeon? Nothing better than a blunt instrument to bash someones brains out. Plus you never need to reload a handheld weapon like this. If you do find yourself a gun, make sure you save the last bullet for yourself. Relying on a weapon that needs ammo is a big NO-NO.
So you have your car sorted, what next? You will want to try and travel toward a safe zone. Keep an ear out for emergency broadcasts telling you where to go for a safe haven. If the radio is dead, then the chances are you’re on your own.
Find yourself a map and plot out some local supermarkets to scavenge. The cub scout motto “Be Prepared” is an oldie but a goodie. Get in, grab your supplies, then get out. This isn’t time to go browsing, wondering what you want to cook tonight. Smash and grab.
Petrol is the next concern. Look for petrol stations, boat yards, DIY stores, anywhere that petrol could be found. Don’t be afraid to hoard. Whilst being a bit of a fire hazard, better to have a large supply in reserve than run out in the middle of nowhere.
After that, the choice is yours. The undead have taken over, society is in collapse. You are free! No more taxes. No work obligations. Just living day to day, with no more concern then a moaning muncher coming to take a bit out of you. With your car fully prepared, you can drive wherever you want. Go live in an abandoned mountain. Find a log cabin in the woods. Do what you want. You are truly free now. Embrace it.
Disclaimer: The words of “Wild Man” Clinton Willis are his own and do no not necessarily reflect the views of Creditplus.
If you are looking for a new car, zombie apocalypse or not, Creditplus compare over 50 lenders to find the best deal for your circumstances. You don’t have to be braindead to realise that Creditplus is the best way to find a car on finance. Find out more.
Image Credits: Shaun of the Dead, The Walking Dead, 28 Days Later, Night of the Living Dead, and WikiCommons