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Creditplus Dream Team – Part One: Defence

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Creditplus Dream Team

The teamsheet has gone up on the board, the shirts have been handed out, The Creditplus dream team is ready to go. Take a look at part one, where we build the team’s defence.

The Creditplus Dream Team – Part One: Defence

The solid foundation of the team, the defence is where games are won or lost. Maybe not as flashy as the big name flair players further up the pitch, the defence is the unsung hero of the team. So you want some reliable, strong choices, with some speed and danger in each full back position. Who has made the cut?

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Position: Goalkeeper
Car: Cadillac Escalade
Why?: If you were going to choose a car to put in goal, you would want something big and bulky between the sticks. You don’t get many cars bigger than the Cadillac Escalade and after Tim Howard‘s heroic exploits during the World Cup, it felt right to choose a car from the states. Popular with soccer moms in the US, the Escalade would make a mean opponent for any striker trying to slot one past it. Seventeen foot long by six and a half foot wide, the Escalade would block half the goal without even moving.

Who?: It has to be Tim Howard. The Premier league has a long tradition of outstanding American goalkeepers. Brad Friedel, Kasey Keller, Brad Guzan have all impressed between the goalposts. But Howard is the number one American goalie at the moment and will be looking to improve upon his 11 clean sheets last season. Perhaps as he gets older he is no longer as agile or flexible as he once was, but his excellent positioning and wealth of experience will mean he still has a few more seasons in goal ahead of him.

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Position: Right back
Car: BMW S1000RR
Why?: In modern football, defence has almost become a second thought for most full backs. The ability to get forward and help in attack is much more desired. So you want something fast and nimble, especially for those desperate runs back into defence. The BMW S1000RR fits the bill. Super fast and able to weave in and out of traffic, the S1000RR would easily get up and down the pitch for ninety minutes. 0-100mph in under six seconds would make the BMW a frightening opponent for any defenders. As it is a motorbike, it perfectly matches the vulnerability in defence of the modern full back.

Who?: Looking through the Premier League teamsheets, no right backs really stand out. Glen Johnson has suffered a drastic drop in form, Cezar Azpillicueta is a left back masquerading on the right, and Zabaleta just lost the World Cup Final (Okay he’s quality, but we didn’t want too many Man City players in the line-up). In the end, we plumped for Kyle Walker. Extremely fast and well built, as well as suspect defensively, he will have to do!

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Position: Central Defender
Car: Range Rover Sport
Why?: Strong. Reliable. British. Okay, the last part is optional. But if there is one area that the British still excel in is central defence. So if you were to choose a car to represent British defenders, you would have to choose a Range Rover. And because it is a football themed post, why not choose a car footballers seem to love. The Range Rover Sport. An excellent all rounder, the Range Rover would sit comfortably in defence, providing protection for the keeper and across the back four. A central defender also needs something about him. The ability to get inside the heads of the strikers, to put them off their game. They have to be unlikeable basically. And who hasn’t been cut up or barged out the way by someone in a Range Rover.
Who?: Central defender. British. Unlikeable. Who else could it be? He may be a joke amongst rival fans and have the personal appeal of a parasite, but you can’t deny John Terry is an outstanding footballer.

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Position: Central Defender
Car: Hummer H1
Why?: If you have a British central defender, you need an expensive foreign import sat alongside them. You don’t get many more expensive than the Hummer. Whilst big and strong for defence, it certainly guzzles the gas – exactly what you expect from an expensive overseas signing. Its offroad capability means it can hack it in any situation – even a cold wet Tuesday night in Stoke. The civilian version of the military Humvee, seeing the Hummer between you and goal would certainly give you pause before you tried any flair tricks to embarrass your opponent.
Who?: It has to be Vincent Kompany. On his day, he is the best defender in the country, marshalling his defence like a military commander. Perhaps he was not the most expensive foreign import, signed for just £6 million in 2008. Now he is probably worth ten times that, especially when you consider David Luiz (who if we were to label a car with his name, would have to be a clown car) cost a staggering £50 million. In fact, Kompany has just signed a new five year deal at the Premier League champions, worth over £31 million pounds. Enough to comfortably fit him in our team.

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Position: Left Back
Car: Matchless G3LS
Why?: When it came to the left back position, we knew it had to be Leighton Baines. So what car fits for the Morrissey loving, Weller sideburned footballer? Well we had to go classic, and like with the Right Back position, we wanted a motorbike. So something British, stylish and quick? A classic used by the British Army in the Second World War, the Matchless would easily weave in and out of traffic, passing lots of different cars (you see what we did there?). Well loved and easy on the eye, the Matchless is also not the safest of bikes, not offering much protection (we’ve done it again, back of the net) for the defence.
Who?: Baines was already one of our favourite footballers before we heard the Morrissey story. Whilst preparing for the World Cup in Miami, the England football team was sharing a hotel with Mozza. When the two drastically different groups passed, only Baines recognised the former Smiths frontman and stopped to say hello. A distinctive look that breaks the normal footballer mould, Baines is also a top quality footballer who would easily fit into our team.

Next time: The Midfield

That’s it for part one of our Car Football Dream Team. What cars would you choose to fill your back four? And which would you stick between the goalposts? Let us know in the comments or on facebook.

See which cars complete the team in Midfield and Attack:

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